I have been broke for so long that it feels strange to have more than enough to cover my bills and buy the things that I need. It was hard to go through but the hardship years taught me how little I really need to be happy and how to live within my means. It was hard to go through but it is pleasant to write about it now.
They say that there are far more widows than widowers in the world. I wonder where the widows are? Most of the single ladies I know are divorcees not widows. Or they have been married several times to different men. I am not looking for romance. But it does seem odd that the statistics say one thing and my experience says another.
I deal with mostly sick folks in my work. It makes me grateful that I am reasonably healthy. It makes me humble to see how very ill people still get on with life without complaining.
In my work I get to travel around northern Arizona. Too bad that the times I get to go somewhere that I have never been before are at night. Couldn’t people be courteous enough to get discharged from the hospital in the morning instead of in the evening?
As the topic of grieving drifts into the background it makes me wonder if I should change the name of my blog. I am more into the Beyond rather than the Grief in life now.
Have a nice day.
I have not written about grieving in a while. Because for me that is mostly behind me. My life now is learning how to live as a single man among my married friends. I’m still learning how to deal with loneliness and depression. In other words, I am learning how to navigate through life as the man that I now am, forgetting the man that I used to be.
I read something recently that reminded me of lessons I learned as a grieving man. First, it is alright to be sad. It is alright to feel lonely, it is normal to feel unsettled. Men have more emotions than anger. It is alright to feel them all.
I also read that it is alright to be human. I am not superman and neither are you. People who give us advice mean well but their expectations for us are unrealistic. They put burdens on us that they could not bear. So being human with all of our fears and doubts and emotions is normal no matter how abnormal you may feel.
I will tell you that I am surprised by the new me. I am surprised by the things and people that I no longer want or need. I am surprised by the people and interests that I now have. I am grateful for the memories of 40 years of marriage to Kathy. And I am glad that my life has moved on past the past.
The Seekers did a great song back in the 1960’s that has been ringing in my head lately. The song is I’ll Never Find Another You. It is a love song. But I hear a Christian message in the lyrics. So here are the first and last verse and the chorus. It is the cry and prayer of my heart that the Lord Jesus Christ would never leave me or forsake me. Amen.
There’s a new world somewhere they call the promised land
And I’ll be there someday if you will hold my hand.
I still need you there beside me, no matter what I do
For I know I’ll never find another you.
If they gave me a fortune my pleasure would be small
I could lose it all tomorrow and never mind at all
But if I should lose your love dear, I don’t know what I’d do
for I know I’ll never find another you.
It’s a long, long journey, so stay by my side;
When I walk through the storm you’ll be my guide, be my guide.
My life is not made up of earth shaking news worthy events every day. But here’s a look at some of the things that I dealt with this week.
Since I have retired I have been trying to not work so much. My company is resistant to this idea. So as long as I don’t earn above the limit for SS retirement I will work as much as they need me to, except when I need a day off.
This past week I took a day off to go hiking with some friends. All guys. Bummer! But it was fun to get outside again and to hike and to enjoy nature. I will do this as often as I can.
Early this morning my phone rang. Once I woke up enough to realize that it was my phone I wondered who would be calling me at this hour. My dispatcher, or a family emergency? It was my dispatcher. I am glad my phone stopped ringing before I got to it. My phone spends the night in another room, not by my bed.
I do a lot of hiking by myself. But when I go with friends I realize how much I enjoy company. The right chemistry makes a big difference.
I am grateful that I was able to survive the past 2 months financially. I’m glad that is over.
I was happy that my job on Friday was easy. I would much rather do my heavy lifting first and coast at the end.
That’s enough. I hope your life is as good as you want it to be.
What a relief. In January I was told that my job was being eliminated. So they moved me to another position. I have done this once before and it was a financial hardship. It turned out not to be so this time, but I was still nervous. I have been living on the remnants of my retirement money from last year plus my tax refund money. So far I have been making it, but don’t ask me how.
But today the long awaited reemergence of my Social Security retirement money arrived. What a relief. And it turns out that the SS money is enough to cover all of my regular monthly expenses. I only need to work enough for food and fun.
This is such a load off of my mind.I feel retired again.
Since I do not do this for money I don’t worry about making what I write be professional. I am not writing an article or a published paper. I am just sharing my thoughts.
Yesterday was a strangely lonely day for me. This doesn’t happen often but when it does it hits me hard. It is funny what will trigger these feelings. As a grieving man I came to understand being ambushed by grief. So yesterday I was ambushed by loneliness. It had to do with my Easter Sunday plans, or lack of them. My daughter asked what I was doing and I told her nothing. Then someone who I haven’t talked to or heard from in decades sent me a text asking if I had plans. Like I would go have dinner with a guy who is a stranger to me now.
Anyway, one thing led to another untill I collapsed on the couch and wasted the evening watching dumb stuff on YouTube.Do you ever have those times when no one is home or will respond to your texts? That was me last night.
Fortunately these miserable times do not last and after a good nights sleep I feel much better today.
I’m not going to write a lot about this right now or belabor the point. But there is something stirring in my heart for a new female relationship.
I have dreamt I was married. I have dreamt I had a girlfriend. I have seen pretty girls that made my heart stir within me.
I have not found that girl yet. I am not dating anyone yet. But maybe it will happen soon.
Oh, and I am 62 year old. But she will be a girl no matter how old she is.
Here are some ideas I have been thinking about.
- What makes a good teacher great? Good is good but it is the enemy of great. What would happen in our schools if more good teachers became great teachers?
- Which form of leadership inspires people to rise to greatness? Climate control leadership? Or command and control leadership. Leaders who create a climate where people are allowed to think and learn and do things with a confidence that even if they fail at least they tried. Or leaders who demand strict adherence to the standards and who expect people to do as they are told. Leaders who value people or leaders who value rules.
- If you are teaching and no one seems to get it who is to blame? I say you are my dear teacher. People are naturally creative and interested. If you bore them or badger them they will not learn and it will be your fault, not theirs.
That’s enough for now. Let me know what you think.
It is Saturday morning and I am still just hanging out doing not much of anything. I thought about going for a hike, but I am not up for a hard climb up a mountain this morning. Like all physical fitness programs it needs to be interesting to stay motivated. Plus I actually am burned out on always hiking alone. So until I figure out a new plan I will put hiking on the back burner for a while.
I always have chores to do around the house. But Saturday is my only free day of the week and sometimes it just seems wrong to spend my free day working around my house. If it sounds like I’m looking for an excuse to goof off today you may be right.
Last fall I had planned by now to be gearing up for some weekend camping as soon as the weather warms up. But things change and it’s back to subsisting again so no money for more hobbies. That’s one reason why I cut back on hiking. My car is on the fritz and I don’t want to get out in a wilderness area and find it has died on me.
But as I sit here I realize that even a lazy day is not an idle day. They used to call it sharpening the saw in the business books. A time to rest and reflect and ponder and recharge. So no matter what chores do or don’t get done it is a valuable time for me.
Every once in a while my friends will get together and do something fun. When I find out about it it makes me feel left out even if it is not something I would like to do. This doesn’t happen all of the time but it happened today. I wondered why I felt left out when it was not something I would have enjoyed doing.
I guess self-pity is a thing I need to keep under control. I am glad that my friends are doing fun things. I am content with my activities and hobbies. Feeling left out is not unique to me. But it hurts sometimes.
This is one reason why I try to stay busy with things that I enjoy. If I am busy then I don’t have time for anything else. And I find it is easy to bring those thoughts back under control and not to let my emotions run away with me.
Do you ever feel left out?