Isn’t Christmas time a busy time of year? Even if, like me, you are not cooking or baking. So I haven’t had time to write much. Perhaps after the first of the year I will get re-inspired. So for now Merry Christmas!
Facing our fears is something we never out grow. There seems to always be something that threatens to derail us or knock us out. Often the best thing to do is to think of the worst case outcomes, and then see what options remain. Sometimes knowledge gives us light on our conundrums.
My trip to spend Christmas with my children in Texas seemed to be ruined. But now while all the factors did not play out as I wanted them to, enough factors did fall my way so that I will be spending Christmas with my children in Texas very soon.
I’m very glad that I decided to purchase my plane tickets when I did. Otherwise I would not be going. But that’s done and I am happy to be going.
If we worry we die, and if we don’t worry we die, so why worry?
I got a letter from Social Security today saying not only should I not have gotten any retirement benefits I will have to pay back some of it. The issue will be addressed next week. But in the mean time I have airline tickets and may not be able to use them. My tickets are paid for (with SS retirement dollars) but time off is not. I needed that SS money to cover my time off work.
So once again I am left with nothing but shattered dreams and broken promises. And no trip to Texas this Christmas.
I have noticed something happening in my life lately and it bothered me a little. Until tonight. I noticed how bugged I get when a woman tries to fix me or correct me or straighten me out. I tense up inside and say things in a polite way (sometimes) that hurts or kills the relationship.
Then tonight something occurred to me that I never thought of before. I was married my entire adult life. I lived my life trying to pease the woman in my life. And then suddenly she was gone. And I find myself with 40 years of marriage under my belt, to one woman, and find it offensive that any other woman would think that I’m not perfect just the way that I am.
Do you think that I am a huge ego maniac? What could a woman, who has been unsuccessful in marriage, teach me about marriage and relationships? What could someone without two pennies to rub together teach me about business? What could someone who thinks they know everything teach a person like me who does know something?
I guess the short answer is that I am not ready or looking for romance or a wife. Any woman who wants to get close to me will have to appreciate me and accept me just as I am, or the deal is off.
I am really glad that I am inspired to write more on the beyond grief world than on the temporary grieving part of life. I am grateful that I can live free from sadness and despair. I am grateful that my needs are met so that I can do things that I want to do. I am grateful that I have nice neighbors who thought to invite me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I am grateful that my daughter was able to have her girls back from college and her mother in law with her. I am looking forward to spending Christmas with them in Texas.
I’m glad that in life we don’t have to make mistakes to learn from them. We can learn from other people’s mistakes too. That is why today I reached out to a man whose wife had died last August and took him out to lunch for Thanksgiving day. I thought, just because no one did that for me when I was sitting at home in tears and desperation, doesn’t mean that I should do that to Dennis.
So we went to Cracker Barrel for lunch. It was busy and crowded which was a good thing. I wanted it to be distracting for my friend. I wanted him to be someplace where people are happy and living life. We had a good talk, had good food, and it cost me a few dollars, which was a small price to pay to help a struggling grief-stricken friend.
It is amazing how we can help someone if only we will take our eyes off of ourselves.
Remember the old Skeeter Davis song The End Of The World? I heard it tonight and with my experience in grief it hit me in a very different way than when Sylvia Dee and Arthur Kent wrote it. I want to share most of the lyrics, leaving out the last line of each verse. We who have grieved have not just lost a love, we lost a part of ourselves.
Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don’t they know, it’s the end of the world?
Why do the birds go on singing? Why do the stars glow above? Don’t they know, it’s the end of the world?
I wake up every morning and I wonder, why everything’s the same as it was.
I can’t understand, no I can’t understand, how life goes on the way it does.
Why does my heart go on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry? Don’t they know, it’s the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye.
Grieving is the end of your world. It’s the end of the world that was. But it is the beginning of a world that is yet to be discovered.
As I talked about my holiday plans with my friends I was a little surprised by their responses. What seemed perfectly normal to me struck them as weird or strange. I had to put my foot down more than once to tell people to back off and to remind them that I am not stupid and that I know what I’m doing.
What I’m doing though is different than anything I have ever done. Yes Christmas at my daughter’s house will be pretty traditional, but not for me since I have no idea what my children have developed as traditions since they made their own families. But I am looking forward to being with them, which I have never done before.
I have written many times on how grieving changes us. But we don’t always realize how much we have changed until our new lives collide with old traditions.
So I will see how this all works out. A very non-traditional Thanksgiving and then flying to spend Christmas with all of my children and grandchildren. And taking unpaid time off from work to do it all without getting into financial trouble. I can’t wait.
As the holidays come rushing in I decided that this year I am going to be proactive. I hate waiting until the last minute for someone to invite me over for dinner. So I decided to make plans so that when someone asks me if I have plans I can look them in the eye and say, Of course I have plans. I have been planning this since September!
What are my plans? Thanksgiving day I plan to take myself out to eat at a restaurant that serves traditional Thanksgiving dinner. I invited my friend to join me but even if he can’t make it I will go eat by myself. then if someone invites me I may take them up on it for desert later. And for Christmas I am flying to my daughter’s home in Texas to spend a week with my family. Children, grandchildren. So that will be a ton of fun.
So there. Oh, the day after Thanksgiving I am going on a scenic train ride. I am going alone, but I will not be alone on the train.
So take that self pity and worry. I’m too busy to be bothered by you.
I still think that it is odd how some people who have a blog do it to make money. Like getting published or something. I don’t do that. I write because I love to write. If someone reads this or even likes this I am glad. But I am not selling anything or promoting anything or trying to get you to go somewhere else that will benefit me.
So welcome if you just want to read someone elses thoughts. Sorry, just words here. No pictures, no prizes, no products, just my words.