All the time I was grieving Kathy’s death I fought so hard to be normal. I fought to have a minute or an hour of peace and sanity. I fought, having the hope that one day I would be normal again. I remember the first time I felt a twinge of interest in something besides survival. I remember being ambushed by grief while doing things I enjoy. But in time I found I had emerged through my grief and I felt normal. Changed, but normal.
Now a new problem has begun to emerge. I talked to my friend David about it tonight. I have written about some of this before. I feel like a new man in an old world. I hoped to emerge into a fresh new exciting life post grief. But so far it’s not new or fresh or exciting. I feel like, I went through all of that for this?
Life is not fair sometimes. Life does not play out the way we want sometimes. But surely there has to be more to life than what I am experiencing right now. My friend says I am lazy, that I want something to happen but I don’t want to make anything happen. That I am letting life happen, not making changes. Maybe he’s right. Things I used to enjoy doing I hate doing. It seems like all I do is work, eat, and sleep. And go to church. Whee!
I don’t need 100 things to do or to change. But I do need one thing to focus on that will give purpose and meaning to my humdrum life. I need the Lord Jesus to show me what to do with my life going forward.
One of the strange things I had to go through after Kathy died was finding out that friends of hers were not friends of mine. I guess I was just excess baggage for Kathy’s friends to deal with, like when she got invited someplace they had to include me as her husband, not because they liked me too.
Recently my daughter came for a visit. I noticed something that rang a bell with me. I saw that at my church Leah was talking and laughing with people who I have known for years but who never talk to me. I thought, it’s just like with Kathy. They know I’m Leah’s dad, but they like her and evidently don’t think much of me, since they only talk to me by accident or out of necessity.
Moving on through grief means finding your new identity. I am finding that includes new friends, or moving away from people who you assumed were friends but who obviously are not. I am not whining or crying in my root beer over this. It is something I have seen and experienced and it just added another layer to things I had already begun to process my way through
So my new life may have some old friends. But it is looking more and more like I will be meeting more new friends. That may mean new places, since the people I know here I have known for decades.
I will let you know how things work out.
One of the problems with technology is it makes us think we have experienced things that we never experienced. It only gives us virtual experiences, not real ones. Oh I know your emotions can get stimulated with virtual connections, just like cocaine or porn stimulates the emotions without any intimate connection.
I wish I could talk in person to the people who read my blog, but so far I can’t. I have connected to people on Facebook who seem to have multiple identities. Who is the real person? I do not talk a lot, but I have more than a Twitter’s worth of words to say when I do.
The danger with tech is it is fun, it is popular, it is easy, but is it healthy?
I heard a woman on the radio this morning say that she was enjoying being a widow. I instantly understood what she meant. It was not that she didn’t love her husband, but he is dead. And she is very much alive.
Sometimes grieving widows feel guilty if they begin to feel good. They feel it is disrespectful to their dead spouse to ever move on in life. So they mope their way through life, like that is what is expected of them.
Let me say that grief is a journey, not a destination. Just like you grew up and moved out of your parents house to begin your own life, so widows of either gender will move out of their dead spouses house and move on to happier times. This may involve actually moving out of the house they shared. This may mean remodeling the house should they decide to stay. But no matter what details you may have to deal with, you should be happy with the results once you make the move.
I will always remember Kathy, the teenager I married and who was my wife for 40 years. But I am not married to her anymore, not even by God’s standards. Death did us part. So any happiness or joy or satisfaction I have now is because I choose to be happy in spite of being a widow. Not promiscuous, or perverted. But just happy. I can smile at a pretty girl without guilt. I can talk to women I am attracted to and enjoy it. I can structure my life around what pleases me, not what may have pleased a dead person.
I too am enjoying being a widow in so many ways. It will take considerable enticement from a woman to make me willingly give up this life I have come to enjoy so well.
Last night I stayed up late watching a movie. I didn’t eat supper until 10pm, and got a shower at 10:30ish. I only mention this because in my married life I never could have done that.
It may sound trite or petty to you, but for me, who for 40 years lived to please another person, it is nice to do what I want to do when I can do it without someone nagging me or calling into question my spirituality. It was too hot to eat earlier. I wanted to shower before I went to bed so I could sleep comfortably. So it all worked and I woke up this morning feeling rested and refreshed. And guilt free.
Because I got married so young I do not have a lot of single references in my mind so I am feeling my way through life seeing what works and what doesn’t. It’s not hard, and it’s not selfish. It’s just me living my life the best I can where I am and with what I have.
It is good to have people who understand us enough that we can share our thoughts or troubles with and they can give us objective input. I recently told my Griefshare leader about my square peg/round hole dilemma. She said that I am normal. I don’t know if I should be happy about that. I am different, I am not sure who I have become, but normal is not a word that came to my mind.
What is normal anyway? I won’t even begin to delve into that deep subject here. Notice I have not said new normal. There is a point in grief where you latch on to your new normal as a drowning man grabs a life preserver. But in time that new normal just becomes normal.
So here I am. A cup of coffee on a hot afternoon and call what I am living normal. Whee!
One of the issues I have experienced in my grief journey is the fact that grief changes us. I am not the same man I was even 3 or 4 years ago. It has been a long and sometimes chaotic journey, but with time and God’s help I am on the far side of grief. But I am a different man.
There is no guarantee how we will end up when we emerge from any trauma. Will anyone who knew us before recognize us now? I have some who were friends before who will hardly talk to me today. I have been surprised by feeling excitement to do things I never thought of doing before. It’s exciting sometimes, but unsettling other times.
My current dilemma is my world around me has not changed like I have. Much of my new life outside of my heart and mind is just like it has always been. Same people, places, surroundings, sights, and smells. But I relate to them all differently now. It’s like I used to be a round peg in a round hole world, but now I am a square peg in that round hole world. I don’t seem to fit anywhere. I want things to match me, and nothing here does.
This leaves me feeling out of sorts sometimes. I feel bored, but afraid to change. I feel left out, with no one to feel included with. I feel hopeless, like I’m doomed to mediocrity and incompleteness.
I don’t have the answer to this yet. Please pray for me.
Do you believe in miracles? I do. I believe that Jesus Christ is alive from the dead and that He is a miracle working God. I believe He can do what we need Him to do right here and right now. I believe Christianity is a religion of power, not ritual. How about you?
In times like these we need a miracle according to Rev. Sekou. He is talking politics, but I’m talking about every part of life. Physical healing, miracle money, renewed minds, and a new life all around.
Lord Jesus, touch all of those who read these words. Let your power invade the darkness of their hearts and make them brand new in Jesus.
One of the challenges of living is to keep life fresh and interesting and new. So much of life is just every day sameness. Doing what we know to do, day after day. The seasons change, the years roll by, but in time what is there to do in life that we haven’t already done?
All is vanity said wise old king Solomon. The wisest man on Earth was bored with life. I’m not Solomon, but I get bored with my life too. I can’t do everything I would like to do, and what I can afford to do is just get by. Earning more money would not leave me with time to do anything but eat and sleep. So I just muddle through.
Jesus promised us an abundant life, but I don’t seem to be enjoying that right now. I am pursuing a new job, but it is work I’ve done before. I am good at what I do, but that makes a hard day easy to me. All of my needs are met, but there are still things I would like to do, places I would like to go, and of course people I would love to meet.
I am grateful for what I have and grateful to be able to do what I do. I am hoping that there is something more to this life and that I don’t have to wait until Heaven to be happy and fulfilled.
It’s nice to have a day off today. I have a doctor appointment in a little while but nothing to worry about. I am enjoying having my family here visiting for a few days. It is just nice to break up the routine once in a while.
What do you do on your extra days off? I tend to just hang around the house doing as little as possible. I am not a workaholic. I do what I have to do and then I take it easy.
June is usually our hottest month of the year here in Arizona, so it is nice to have a few cool days before the heat returns. July and August are our wettest months of the year.
Anyway, nothing big or deep or heavy to write about this morning. Just getting a few words out to wish everyone a nice day wherever you are.