One of the issues I have experienced in my grief journey is the fact that grief changes us. I am not the same man I was even 3 or 4 years ago. It has been a long and sometimes chaotic journey, but with time and God’s help I am on the far side of grief. But I am a different man.
There is no guarantee how we will end up when we emerge from any trauma. Will anyone who knew us before recognize us now? I have some who were friends before who will hardly talk to me today. I have been surprised by feeling excitement to do things I never thought of doing before. It’s exciting sometimes, but unsettling other times.
My current dilemma is my world around me has not changed like I have. Much of my new life outside of my heart and mind is just like it has always been. Same people, places, surroundings, sights, and smells. But I relate to them all differently now. It’s like I used to be a round peg in a round hole world, but now I am a square peg in that round hole world. I don’t seem to fit anywhere. I want things to match me, and nothing here does.
This leaves me feeling out of sorts sometimes. I feel bored, but afraid to change. I feel left out, with no one to feel included with. I feel hopeless, like I’m doomed to mediocrity and incompleteness.
I don’t have the answer to this yet. Please pray for me.