I Went Through That For This?

All the time I was grieving Kathy’s death I fought so hard to be normal. I fought to have a minute or an hour of peace and sanity. I fought, having the hope that one day I would be normal again. I remember the first time I felt a twinge of interest in something besides survival. I remember being ambushed by grief while doing things I enjoy. But in time I found I had emerged through my grief and I felt normal. Changed, but normal.

Now a new problem has begun to emerge. I talked to my friend David about it tonight. I have written about some of this before. I feel like a new man in an old world. I hoped to emerge into a fresh new exciting life post grief. But so far it’s not new or fresh or exciting. I feel like, I went through all of that for this?

Life is not fair sometimes. Life does not play out the way we want sometimes. But surely there has to be more to life than what I am experiencing right now. My friend says I am lazy, that I want something to happen but I don’t want to make anything happen. That I am letting life happen, not making changes. Maybe he’s right. Things I used to enjoy doing I hate doing. It seems like all I do is work, eat, and sleep. And go to church. Whee!

I don’t need 100 things to do or to change. But I do need one thing to focus on that will give purpose and meaning to my humdrum life. I need the Lord Jesus to show me what to do with my life going forward.

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