It almost goes without saying that grief has been the most life changing event of my adult life. I was born again at 18 years old and Jesus saved me then. But now grief is the turning point in my life.
I know also that grief changes us fundamentally in ways we don’t understand. Sometimes I find myself chafing at people or places or things that I used to love or look forward to. What’s wrong with me? is the cry of many grieving adults. That is when I realize that I have changed. Friends don’t understand this. They want me to be like I have always been. My pastors don’t seem to understand this. They preach to me like I need to get off my butt and serve the Lord like I used to. I cannot do that. Even family, who also have grieved the loss of my wife, do not understand the changes in me. They want their dad back like he used to be.
The problem with this kind of change is it is unknown in many ways. I do not know who I am anymore. And I think it is permanent. I will not one day slide back into my old self. Part of me died when Kathy died. That part of me is gone forever. Part of my grief journey is finding out who I am now and for the future.
Faith, family, friends, future. Everything has changed. My struggles in life right now are because the world around me is resistant to the changes in me. But I have learned in Griefshare that self-care is my responsibility. No one will care for me or understand me except me and Jesus. And If He loves me He has a funny way of showing it.