Up Later Again

This not feeling sleepy at bedtime is becoming more frequent lately. I am not stressed about it. I am retired and I have no job to go to in the morning. I can sleep as long as I want. But this is unusual in that I usually fall to sleep easily.

I think that this is a result of aging. Not coffee or naps. Getting older. I don’t need help and I do not have a sleep disorder. But I am getting older by the day.

It’s too bad that our society trys to put us into a mold. But I am old enough to know that I have to do what works for me.

Also, I have no wife checking on me, sure that I am doing something wrong by not being in bed. I don’t miss that.

Sleep experts might try to fix me. I don’t need fixed.

Midnight Thoughts

I just finished eating a midnight snack. Literally, a snack after midnight. I am not a night owl. I must have had too much coffee during the day because when I went to bed like usual I just lay there and didn’t even feel drowsy. So I got up and made something to eat.

A friend wanted to meet earlier for coffee and to talk. I was there, sipped my coffee, but he never showed up. I called him after I got home and he told me that he had fallen asleep and missed our get together. So he got a nap and I drank coffee that is keeping me up right now.

My friend who has lost his mother and his brother told me that my thoughts on self care really helped him. We seem to be so reluctant to take care of ourselves. Like it’s our duty to suffer. God forbid that we could be happy and at peace when grief rears its ugly head.

I hope you are well and that you have all that you need to live a full life.

The Cost of Grieving

As time rolls on, I find that grieving is not a common occurrence anymore. Dates and anniversaries can go by with hardly a thought. I remember her birthday and our anniversary. And it doesn’t affect me at all. But something that has happened recently has reminded me that there are still things that can trigger sadness. Memories can be a blessing. But there are memories of Kathy that send me over the edge.

Recently some reminders of days gone by have come to the surface. To make a long story short, Kathy was mentioned in something that happened 50 years ago. I was interested in reminiscing, but the sadness hit me like a ton of bricks. It has been a long time since I was ambushed by grief.

So, I have learned that self-care must remain a priority for me. And, I have learned that certain memories of Kathy are off limits for me. I have moved on and those memories drag me back to a place that I do my best to avoid.

This is why I will never own a pet. This is why I may never marry again. Grieving Kathy’s death hurt so bad and so deep that I am not sure that I would survive going through that again. To avoid that kind of pain I shield myself from any possibility of love. That’s the price I have to pay for loving my wife for all of those years. I may have loved for the last time.

Fiction At Our Fingertips

I have decided that the only world is a world of fiction and fantasy. Even video of real people comes across as fake. No one in real life does what they do. No real people look like they do. No real people have as much money as they seem to have. The things that online people say is good or important is neither good nor important.

I am not opposed to good fiction. Fiction serves a purpose. But real people need real people to help them and to point the way forward in terms that we can understand.

Popular media has never been true. The medium really is the message. The love of money really is a root from which all kinds of evil flows. Cinema or television or social media is at best a waste of time and only time will tell how evil it’s influence really is.

I use my computer for things that I need information on. I use it to unwind sometimes. But there is very little that I could not live without in the online world. I lived most of my life without social media. I know how to get by without digital help. I feel bad for young people who have always had the internet and have no reference points in the real world.

The Price We Pay For Love

I heard an interesting quote by Queen Elizabeth recently. She allegedly said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” I believe that this is very true. It is easy to say I love you to someone. It is harder to show that you love someone. And the hardest of all happens unexpectedly when the person who you love dies.

I was surprised how deeply and how long I grieved the death of my wife Kathy. There was no way I could have prepared for what I went through. I grieved hard for three years and only then did my grief start to taper off.

Today I am normal until some random memory, especially a photograph, triggers strong emotions again. This just happened recently.

One thing that death took from me is the ability to celebrate 50 years of married life together. That would have happened next April.

One final word on grief today. I wonder how two people can be married for a long time and show no emotion when their spouse dies. It makes me question the depth of their love for each other.

Television Weather Hype

Yesterday, the local tv news was in panic mode, warning us of a big storm system that they said was approaching. Be prepared, cancel your plans, stay home, were their words of advice. But as the day progressed yesterday no storms appeared, and no rain fell. They simply pushed back the time when the big storms would get here. I went to bed last night expecting to be awakened by thunderstorm activity. I think that I heard a distant rumble of thunder once during the night that woke me up but that’s all. This morning everything was wet from the rain. But no damage, nothing amiss. It was, in my neighborhood, much ado about nothing.

I expected the tv weather experts to be apologizing this morning, but they weren’t. I guess the storms did hit some areas hard, but not where I live.

I have experienced the over reacting tv weather here before. You would think that I would be smart enough not to get caught up in the hype. But I did. I blame it on the covid hysteria. We seem to knee jerk react to everything now.

Trust Issues

It’s very hard when someone who you ought to be able to trust gives you the feeling that they cannot be trusted. That their spirit is similar to others who have hurt you or deserted you in the past. You want to be wrong. You want to trust them. They occupy a position that deserves respect. But in the bottom of your gut, you are simply waiting for them to be exposed for the creeps that you suspect they are.

People are people. We all share things in common that transcends time and place. An honest man is an honest man. A loving woman is a loving woman. Character matters. Right always comes out right in time. The only way to lose is to quit.

So, time will tell if my gut is right on or way off.

Memories

I recently saw a picture taken in 1970. It was at a wedding. And at the end of the line was a beautiful blonde girl who three years later I would meet and in 1974 I would marry. She was my wife until the day that she died. If she had lived, we would be planning what to do to celebrate 50 years together next year.

As I looked at the old photo it reminded me why I had to leave where I used to live. Kathy and her family were there before me. She had gone to school there, I had not. She lived with her mother and brother and two sisters there. I was alone. So, when she died, I was faced with living in her town, living in her house, going to her church, and it was crushing the life out of me. I could not go anywhere without seeing people and places that reminded me of the wife that I had lost.

Living here is easier if only because Kathy never lived here. She never visited here. No one here, except my daughter, ever knew her. I can go months and never think about her. So, I think that this move was perfect for me.

I still think about Kathy. I still remember being married to her. Our anniversary came and went last month and I almost as an afterthought remembered our wedding day. But I have moved on and my love for Kathy is in my past now. No one could take her place. I am free to love again or not only as it pleases me.

Aging Well?

Over the past few years I have had a few blogs. They met a need for me to express my thoughts. They helped me clear my head. And they were followed by some people who seemed to be interested in what I shared. One of my blogs that I had where I used to live was pretty well read. I do not write there anymore since it was location dependent. But I tried a similar blog once I moved to where I am now. So far the response there has been dismal. Only a tiny group of people follow that new blog.

I have decided to give blogging a rest. I am not interested in doing more with this format. I have left the turmoil of death and grieving behind. My life is pretty smooth and easy living here. I am more interested in aging well now. I have stopped writing on my other blogs for now. I don’t seem to need them as much as I used to. I am not a poet or a chef or some other creative personality. I am just me and that’s good enough for me.