Thanksgiving Eve Thoughts

I am going to my daughter’s house for Thanksgiving day. This is one reason why I moved here. I had grown tired of spending holidays by myself. By living here I never spend holidays or birthdays alone. I am grateful for that.

My wife’s birthday came and went and I didn’t even notice it until my daughter asked me about it. I have moved on in life. I have memories and Kathy shows up in my dreams once in a while. Like last night.

Memories were another reason for me moving. My memories will be with me until I die. But they do not carry the sting or the hurt they once did. It has taken almost 10 years to get here. I’m not sure that I would have survived in my old life that long the way things were going.

My mother is handling the death of her husband much better than I handled the death of my wife. Maybe getting older makes grief easier. She is 88 years old.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Clearing Out The Cobwebs

Here are some final thoughts on ambiguous grief. Sometimes this is classified as complicated grief or frozen grief. Grief that never gets resolved. A loss for which there is no natural closure. For those in this condition all I can say is you need to create your own closure and move on.

Someone has written that the absent are always present. Memories keep the dead loved one alive. Others may not remember, but you will always remember. New love is not strong enough to erase the memories of lost love.

One final thought today. Susan David once wrote that grief is love, looking for a home. I have a constant longing for something that I used to have. A new love may be the answer. But I am not sure of that. I am not sure that anything but death will wipe away the longing for what I miss.

Ambiguous Grief 2

When I first came across the idea of ambiguous grief I thought that I had uncovered something new and rich. It turns out that ambiguous grief is just grief. The difference is that we grieve the death of someone we love, but we can grieve things that we once loved. People grieve the death of a pet or the end of a relationship or the loss of a good job.

I wonder if mid-life crisis is just ambiguous grief spread out over time regarding the death of youth and of the ambitions and dreams of our youth. I think that mid-life crisis is the time when we realize that life is not going as we planned, or it is a time when we get bored with life as it is.

So, to understand ambiguous grief learn first about grief and then expand that understanding to ideas or dreams or feelings. That’s all.

Ambushed Again

In the first awful years after Kathy died I would get ambushed by grief. Some random sight or sound or thought would trigger waves of sadness and loss. It didn’t last long, but it was uncomfortable to experience.

My feeling of loneliness recently came on me the same way. Something that didn’t bother me before bothered me then and I was ambushed by loneliness. It didn’t last long, but it was hard to go through.

This coming January 2024, it will be ten years since Kathy died. I have moved on in life. I moved to a new place. But grief or mourning or sadness or loneliness seems to have found me here. I do not want to live in the past. I am tired of grieving and missing Kathy. I want to be free from the snares of loneliness that drag me down.

Fortunately, all of these relics of grieving are short lived, and they don’t get me down for long.

One final thought. When a child or a parent dies you miss them but you never think of replacing them. When your spouse dies all you think about is replacing them. Should I? How do I do that? Is there someone for me?

A Prisoner of Loneliness.

What amazes me is the debilitating effect of loneliness. That awful feeling of being alone that keeps you from doing anything. It makes doing anything hard. It makes being around people difficult. My friend sends me pictures of his activities and I notice that he always has someone with him. I blame my inactivity on infirmity or on the weather or on boredom. But the real reason is plain old loneliness.

It’s not like my wife would have done what I do now. A grief counselor told me to try doing things that I used to do before I met her. I try to do things as they come to my mind and I think that Kathy would never do this. But for all of my effort, and the passing of time, the loneliness of loss is as strong as ever.

I am not isolated in life. I am socially connected. I have new friends here and old friends there. I have a church that I attend regularly. I am planning to spend Thanksgiving day with my children. But for all that I am connected to I feel imprisoned by this nagging loneliness.

I met a nice lady a year ago. I thought she might be the answer to my need. It didn’t work out then, but she is still around and still single. I would love the chance to spend some time with her.

I never felt lonely before Kathy died. I could be alone or in a crowd and loneliness never crossed my mind. That’s why I believe that the loneliness of loss is the worst kind of loneliness. It’s like something is missing from my life. Often there is nothing to do but to wait it out. I am not depressed or considering self harm. I am lonely and feeling all alone.

The Loneliness of Loss

Here’s a strange fact. When I was not well I often reminisced about bike riding. Now that I have put to rest my physical cares and have actually gone riding I find that it wasn’t illness that stopped my bike riding.

Today I planned to go for a ride. But sitting here I find it is hard to get moving. There is nothing about my bike rides that compels me to get started. The newness is long gone. The thrill of discovery is absent now. I have to drive a long way just to get to a place where I can get on my bike and ride.

I think that if I had someone to ride with that would tip the scale. But I don’t.

The loneliness of loss is the worst kind of loneliness. I know what I need and I seem to be powerless to do anything about it.

Fooled By A Facebook Ad

The aftermath of my stepfather’s death has left me thinking about my will. I did a will after Kathy died but I live in a different state now and I am not sure if my old will works here. So, when I saw an ad on Facebook for a free will kit, I tapped the button, and I gave them my contact information.

Today, after spending a long time on Zoom with the free will kit people, I realized two things. One, they were not listening to me. Two, they were selling insurance. I have insurance. I have money to pay for my cremation expenses set aside. All I needed was a new will. I finally clicked off of the meeting and gave up on getting any help from them.

I should have known that if it’s too good to be true, it’s not true. Insurance people do not do wills, lawyers do. So I wasted an hour today and have nothing to show for the time spent.

Good Health Update

First thing is that I went for a nice, short bike ride. I felt great and had no ill effects. Nothing wrong with my heart and the new meds are not impeding me at all. So, to get back in shape I will take it slow at first. But I am so happy to be riding again.

Also on the health front. I had blood work done and as I looked at the results the only issue is that I have slightly elevated cholesterol levels. And I have been taking meds to control cholesterol. I need to tell my new doctor that my levels have been slightly elevated as long as I can remember Pills don’t help, diet doesn’t help, exercise doesn’t help. It’s how I am. And since the cardiologist took a look inside my arteries and found no blockages, I think that I can soon go back to no cholesterol meds again.

I was in good health before. I will be in good health again.