Health Update

I went to see the cardiologist today. He told me that I have a slight heart problem. He wants to do a surgical scan to look for blocked arteries. I thought he already checked my arteries. But, oh well. The bottom line is I must stay on these meds and that I must not go riding or do any strenuous exercises. Maybe a little easy walking.

I want to trust my doctors. I want them to have my best interests in mind. I am not sure that more testing needs to be done, but I will do what the doctor orders.

I am too young to be this infirm.

What Next?

I used to think that it would be fun to travel. To see the world, to see new places, to experience new things outside of my normal routine. And then I went on a trip to visit my mother and I am not so sure that travel is what I want to do. I had planned to visit Europe. I had planned to take a cruise to Alaska. I had planned to see parts of the US that I have never seen. I tried twice to go hiking and backpacking; once in AZ, once in Texas. Both trips never happened. So, I crossed travel of any kind off of my list.

I do not have unlimited resources. I can only do a big thing once. Choosing what to do under those conditions makes the choice almost impossible to make. There is nothing that I have had my heart set on all of my life that I need to do. So, I tried to choose something that might interest me. I am running out of time and money to do things just for fun.

My life is pretty good as is for now. I am in a transition where I may not be able to ride anymore and so I don’t know what I want to do if that happens. I have given up on the idea of marriage since women my age are not interested in me. Nothing that I once did has any appeal to me. There is nothing that I have not done that appeals to me. I am waiting and wondering, what will happen next.

Why I Will Not Marry Again

One of the things that Kathy’s death did to me is to make me afraid of death and funerals. I have only been to one funeral since she died. That was horrible. Now I am facing going to my stepfather’s funeral and I am dreading it. I will go to support my mother and to pay my respects. But I am not looking forward to it.

I had another thought yesterday. One reason why I am still single almost 10 years after Kathy died is I am not sure I could go through that with someone that I love again. Kathy’s death rocked my world. It hit me so hard that I was seriously not sure if I would survive. It took years before I could laugh again or experience happiness again. The loneliness of widowhood is not strong enough to nudge me toward seeking someone to share the last years of my life with. I cannot bear the thought of loving and then losing someone again.

Part of me has learned to put up walls to defend my heart from being broken again. I have put up walls to protect myself from sadness and pain. I would rather not love again than take the risk that I might have to grieve again. I suspect that I am missing out on a lot of life by living like this. It is a price that so far I am willing to pay.

I was married for 40 years. I know how to get married and how to stay married. I even know how to grieve the death of my wife. I do not want to go through that again. So I remain a single man walled up against life to avoid being sad. I cried until I had no more tears. I suffered terribly in grief. I am afraid to go through that again.

Preparing For Death

My stepfather is dying. He is 93 years old. He has terminal lung cancer that has filled his chest and spread to his kidneys. Doctors say that it is too far advanced to treat. So, he is lying in a care center, being well cared for, with my mother waiting by his side all day long. Waiting for him to die.

I chose not to go to be with them right now. He is my stepfather, but I never lived with him in my life like my sister did. He is a good and kind and generous man. They have been married 43 years. But he is not real family to me. He married my mother a few years after Kathy and I were married. I would only be in the way and so I chose to not be there while he fades away. I will go for the funeral when the time comes to support my mother. That could come at any time.

The waiting is the hardest part for me. I can do nothing about the situation. One of his sons is sorting out the will and the bank accounts. I talk to my mother as often as I can, but I have been doing that all along anyway. So, I wait for news and for the call that I know is coming soon.

His name is Richard, but I have always known him as Dick. That’s how my mother refers to him when she talks to me. I pray for them both. I can do that.

It is strange how no matter how we try we cannot prepare for death. We all die. None of us are ever at ease with dying. And it’s always those left after they die that have to deal with their death. The sense of loss, the loss of a needed relationship, the emptiness and the loneliness of widowhood. This is very hard for me to deal with.

Clearing Out the Cobwebs

I ran all of my devices down to nothing this evening. My Kindle, dead. My tablet, almost dead. My phone, 10% left. All that is left is my laptop on my desk that I am using now. How is it that some days I never run anything down like that. And today I ran everything down to battery saver mode.

I did something today that the experts say not to do. Two of the meds that I take I am supposed to take twice a day. Today, in protest, I did not take the second dose this afternoon. I checked my heart rate, it’s fine. My blood pressure is fine. I feel fine. I plan to have a talk with the cardiologist when I see him in a couple of weeks.

My stepfather is not well. My mother has been busy staying with him. I miss talking to my mom like I used to. We talk 4 or 5 times a week. Often, it’s just to chat. I want to make sure that she is well. I need someone female to talk to. Mom meets that need.

People post on Facebook about the miles they have ridden and where they went riding. I get envious of them. I used to ride there. I used to ride that far and farther. Now I have no energy and no enthusiasm for life. The only thing different is the meds that I am taking so I blame them for these changes.

I went to the grocery store and I bought the ingredients that I need to bake cookies. I will be baking cookies in the morning. I can still do that, I hope!

I was watching the weather guy talking about Atlantic storms that might be moving this way. I am so tired of this Phoenix-like weather we have been having. Hot and dry. Some milder temps and some rain would be nice for a change.

Finally, could you live if the power grid knocked out your tech devices. I lived without them before so it would be easy to do it again. Inconvenient, but easy. I know how to get news and music without streaming it.

Meds And Riding

One big difference in riding now is that the medical issues that I’ve had in the past 12 months require me to take medications. I just checked the side effects for the meds that I am taking and there is one common denominator: tiredness. One of these meds lists muscle weakness, especially in the legs.

No wonder that I feel like I am swimming upstream as I ride. I have no strength, no stamina, and I struggle to cover ground that I used to breeze over without breaking a sweat.

So, my bike riding is on hold until I see someone who I can talk to and see if anything can be done.

Kathy used to get dizzy and fall down. I discovered too late that the number one side effect of her meds was dizziness. Live and learn.

Riding Again

It has been one thing after another recently. Physical issues on top of being bored. I stopped riding my bike several months ago and thought about what I would do instead. Then we have had this long stretch of hot summer weather since June and that was the last straw that broke this camel’s back.

Until a couple of weeks ago when the desire to ride resurfaced in me. So, I aired up my tires and hit the trail and last week I rode four out of five days. This is when I learned something. To beat the heat I rode at sunrise, which means around 7am. I was not hungry so early so I rode without eating breakfast. By the time I got home I was starving.

I also rediscovered that you need calories to make your body work. I found that with no fuel on my fire I had no strength or endurance and while I did get a strenuous workout, my rides were very short. I aim to ride 20 miles, and I was only riding 7 or 8 miles.

So, I made a change. Starting tomorrow morning, instead of riding at 7, I will eat breakfast at 7 and ride at 8. Yes, it will be a little warmer, but here the heat of the day is late afternoon so it will not be hot one hour later.

I learned this lesson a couple of years ago when it was weight loss that made me weak. I figure that if I eat first and take a snack my distance and my speed will both increase.

I am glad to be riding again.