The End Of The Season

I woke up Tuesday morning and I thought that this year I will leave my Christmas decorations up for a few more days. No rush to take them down. I unplugged the light on the tree but left it standing.

During the day I was puttering around and I thought that I would put my opened gifts away. Then one thing led to another and by supper time Christmas was over in my house.

I was in the Christmas spirit all month long and I was getting tired of the songs and the food and the eggnog. I was ready to get back to normal.

Today my living room looks empty. It feels empty. It feels like something is missing. And I wonder if that is just loneliness making sure that I never feel happy again.

The Loneliness of Widows

I call my mother on a regular basis. I call to see how she is. Her husband died and I call to see how she is getting on with life without him. Often, we just chat or talk about the weather. Sometimes I ask her about stuff that I am cooking to get tips. She is doing fine.

One thing that is interesting is that, when she is feeling lonely, she talks about moving to live with me. I could squeeze her in, but this house is not set up for someone her age. Today when this topic came up I told her point blank that I think she is better off staying where she is.

My mother is finding something that all widows find out eventually. No matter how busy you are or how many social engagements you have, you will still spend a lot of time alone. And it is the aloneness of someone who used to have someone close by that is hard to handle. The absence of a trusted companion. Someone to talk to who understands you and who relates to your reference points.

People who have never married feel lonely. But the loneliness of widows can be debilitating and can make you feel hopeless.

Health Update

I thought that it was my heart meds that were making me tired. But I am beginning to wonder if that is the cause. I get tired doing simple things like walking or cleaning my bathroom. I have stopped trying to ride my bicycle since that wasn’t working.

I recently went to see my primary care doctor to talk about this fatigue. He asked me a lot of questions. He had blood drawn to test for any unusual things. I am currently waiting to hear back from the doctor about my latest visit.

It was just one year ago that this downward slide for me being healthy began. I may be entering a new normal that I will have to learn to deal with. I hope that the medical professionals can find the cause and come up with a treatment plan for me.

I am too young to feel this old!

The Long Goodby

I just read something from many years ago. It said that grieving is the long goodby. When you have shared your life with someone who you came to love you do not say goodby in a wave of your hand and that’s that. A long, deep love will take a long goodby. I think that the deeper the love the longer the goodby.

Divorce is different. Like a song that I heard; hands that used to hold now sign the papers, lips that used to kiss now say goodby. Divorce is filled with resentment or hate or bitterness for the lies and deceit and irresponsibility of a failed marriage.

I know men who still, after many years, are saying goodby to the wife they lost. They think that they will find someone new and start over. But years have gone by and they are still living in the memories of a lost and longed for love. These men will go to their graves still loving the wife who died.

Today, the pain of Kathy’s untimely death no longer hurts. But it is my constant companion through life. I think that I could love again. But time is going by, and I am still single with zero prospects of new love. In the three years that I haved lived in this new place I have been interested in two women. One died, the other disappeared. So it’s not for lack of trying that I am living on my own today.

I said my goodbyes when I moved. I am not saying goodby to Kathy anymore. I do not miss her. I miss the memory of the best of our lives. I miss the highlights of forty years of marriage.

Busyness

I noticed that a few short years ago I had posted on Facebook how I was going to spend Christmas day that year. I was going to be alone and, to avoid wallowing in loneliness, I had made plans to go hiking. I can live alone. I am glad to not spend Christmas alone this year.

My mother, whose husband recently died, has been staying busy, busier than I ever remember her being while married. It made me wonder if people stay busy to avoid feeling lonely.

Not all busyness is equal. Doing things that you enjoy doing is different than doing something just to be busy. I began hiking after Kathy died for something to do. Same with bike riding. I miss doing those things, but I can be content doing what I do or do not do.

I have spent too many lonely holidays to know that if it is possible, I will not spend another holiday alone.

Holiday Musings

A few years ago I posted on Facebook that all I wanted for Christmas was a homemade cookie. I can fix that. I bake cookies now. I will be making cookies today.

Doctors are smart, kind, and they mean well. I want to trust them. I want to believe that they have my welfare at the forefront. It is up to them to earn my trust.

Two years ago I was doing long rides at a good pace. I miss those days. Last year was a hard year for physical ailments. I feel like I am on the other side. I see people my age who look worn out. I am not one of those people.

Medicine used to be to fix a problem. Now it seems that medicine is a way of life. I was 65 years old before I took prescription medicine on a regular basis. I am tired of taking pills that make me feel bad and don’t seem to fix anything.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas!

Health And Stuff

I thought that once my doctors gave me the all clear to resume activities that I would be back on my bike, burning up the miles. That didn’t happen. Then, I thought that after my doctor adjusted my meds my body would respond and I would be as good as new. I wasn’t. Now what?

Next week I will contact my PCP and tell him what is going on and ask him to advise me on what to do. I am hoping that he will be able to direct me back to good health. I am too young to feel this old!

I am beginning to think that doctors worry too much about what might happen and not enough about current quality of life issues. If it were up to me I would stop taking these meds and take my chances that I won’t keel over while riding down the sidewalk! What might happen and what will happen are two very different things to think about and to treat. You might live longer, but is that really living?

My new doctor is pretty smart. He is not a kid fresh out of medical school. And he is very wise in dealing with people like me.